Is still being cleared. I’m on an interesting journey lately of personal growth and discovery. I’ve been learning to feel true feelings deeply. I’ve been deciding to feel them to their full extent, painful or pleasurable as they might be. If you don’t feel the pain, you wont truly appreciate the pleasure. So don’t be surprised if you don’t even know me the next time you see me ;)
*My salvation lies in your love*
I want to do yoga.. I want to be one of those girls that does pilates, but I’m not structured enough for things like that.. I’m not quite that organized. So instead I just play. I go outside and soak life in through my pores. Breathe it in through my nose and deep into my lungs. I absorb the colors, as vivid as blood and mud and death and earth.. I absorb them into my eyes, and appreciate the beauty that I behold.
The beauty I am not a part of, but merely a witness to. Existing, twirling..journeying along.. some steps light and free, frolic like. Some heavy and mud caked.. ten lbs per step.. but nonetheless, standing next to it all. Delighting in it, rejoicing in it.. blessed to be here at this time in it. Amazed and humbled by it. I laugh too much. I love to deep. I’m too honest and too real. too this too that. what was I trying to be again? I smile so big it hurts sometimes. I wouldnt trade it for all the riches in the world <3 Come play?
Note to Self:
Find time someday soon to elaborate on the observation that I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about. How in an age of technological communication (facebook, twitter, texting, etc) the more we press to stay connected to one another, the more distant we are becoming. It’s so funny, so true.. we’re at a place in time where you can know exactly what your “friends” are doing, basically the instant they are doing it; yet we are trading the chance to forge lasting personal relationships, for moments of sitting miles, even inches apart..and text messaging each other. When you’re only a phone call away but type I love you instead. How the tone in someones voice is completely lost. Wit is muffled and assholes are crowned in undeserving right. It’s just very interesting to me.. but I dont have time to expand on that today.. so note to self.. do so later ;)
Me (in my own mind): “look at that woman over there, she is really unattractive. I wonder if she knows it. I bet she doesn’t. I bet ugly people never know they’re ugly. I wonder if someone would tell me if I was ugly. Someone should tell people. Maybe I should tell her.”
This is just a glimpse of one of the countless fucked up things that went through my mind today. LOL. I’m going to hell aren’t I?
Simply just existing has been so damn hard for me lately. I don’t know exactly why, but things have just been rough. It’s not like anything major has happened, its just all the drama and emotions wrapped up in the regular everyday stuff. The quote of the year for me: “there’s not enough tissues for my issues”!!!! Love it. LOL.
I really do have a lot of issues I guess. Am I the only one, really? Or is everyone else the exact same way and they either just don’t know it, or don’t admit it? Or am I really that ridiculously messed up in my own little head that I AM, in fact, the only one?
I have a lot of issues with self confidence. I have some, but its pretty much fake or at least falsely justified. I try to work on having genuine self confidence, but the more confidence I gain, the more selfish I seem. It’s hard, because as someone who can articulate my feelings pretty well, I apparently come across as somewhat self absorbed. Like its always all about me. But, since I only truly know how I feel, how can I make it be about anyone else when I’m telling you how it makes me feel? I often wonder if where I actually go wrong, is in stating how I feel. I’ve just always done it, I don’t see any problem with telling someone that what they did made me feel a certain way, be it good, bad, sad, whatever. And I know that I’ve always taught my children, that if someone makes you upset, you need to express that with your words. You tell them, you hurt my feelings. So, my question is, when does that change? When do we cross the line from innocence into adulthood where honesty is no longer the best policy?
I’ve struggled with this for so many years. I have come to the conclusion that I am a person that just doesn’t have a sense of when its exactly appropriate to be myself, and when it’s not. I don’t have that switch the way other people do. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can be on my best behavior, I have friends I can say certain things around that I wouldn’t around others, etc. But I am not good at putting up a front that nothings bothering me , when something is. Nor do I see a need to, I find it a waste of time to be honest, but I’m starting to thing its part of how the game is played regardless. Ahh, who knows. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I really wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a damn about the way others feel, or the way their own existence intertwines with everyone around them. I wish I didn’t care, didn’t notice it, or give it a second thought. ignorance is bliss?
My Grandma is the most awesome person. She’s not Grandma like at all. She swears like a sailor. She eats candy like a madwoman, she drives a minivan with grateful dead stickers on the window, and she was the person that made me have a life long appreciation for Pink Floyd. My Grandma kicks other grandma’s asses! haha. Well, she did.. until everything started.
She fell down a step on a deck at my wedding in 2004 and broke her knee. Healing took forever and it never actually healed right, she walked alright, but it was never the same. Then in 2008 she fell at her house and broke a different part of her knee. This time healing took longer, she ended up in a (physical) rehabilitation home, and she couldnt walk without a walker at all once that one healed. She was doing alright adjusting to life in a walker/ wheelchair/ electric scooter (awesome!) when she slipped and fell again and broke her hip last week. They did surgery as soon as they could get her blood count good enough.. and less than one week later (today) discharged her to a rehab home again. The thought of this has kept me up all night long. My grandma has good insurance, she has Kaiser through my grandpa’s retirement.. she’s got the best coverage they have… and yet she has fallen thru the cracks entirely, and its obscene. The place is disgusting, it wreaks of death and everywhere you look you want to turn away because the people are literally dying right there before your eyes with no one there to care about it. The workers walk around like they dont notice it at all, or are just totally used to it. She;s sharing a room with a very old woman with a terrible case of shingles. When my aunt called earlier, the nurse said they had been waiting all morning for auntorization to open my grandmothers pain medication, meaning my Grandma is post surgery with zero pain meds half the day. Her room has no television, no phone, no chairs for any one to sit in, were they to come visit a poor soul there. Its visibly dirty everywhere. She was in this same home before, and it was during the summer, but there was no air conditioning so the patients were required to provide their own fans. These people can’t leave and it’s heartbreaking to see how many of them don’t have any family that comes to visit them or make sure they are being properly cared for. Sirens are constant there are people soul’s painfully slip away out of this horrible cube or bricks and death. The last time she was there she also had major issues with no one coming to help her use the restroom (she cant get up by herself..and they dont give them their walkers) for hours after she requested help. They didn’t feed her on time, even though she’s diabetic, which makes it extremely important, and they didn’t bring her water until hours after she asked for a drink. Its the saddest place, and my poor Grandma is so sad and depressed there with nothing to do and no way to talk to anyone. I cant believe places like this are allowed to exist.
I’ve been doing some research and am encouraging my aunt, to inform my grandma that, as far as I can see, she has every right to discharge herself from this place and at least come home. That’s all she wants. My Aunt will be there full time to take care of her..and she’s not doing any better there or in the hospital where she laid in a bed unattended for over four hours. If she’s going to die, I dont want her to die because she’s so sad she’s stuck there… and if she IS going to die, she’s not going to do it there goddamn it. Thats the last place she or anyone would want to spend their final days.
I know this was a very long post/ rant… but I’m appalled by the way we throw our elders away in this society. I’m pissed about the way our already fucked healthcare system operates, and I’m sure it’s only going to get worse with the reform. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that someone pays big money for this insurance, that abandons her.. like she doesnt count. Like someone, somewhere decides, “well, shes someones loved one, but not mine.. so fuck it.. send her here”. I want to scream at people. I want to break her out of there. I just cant believe the injustice of there places and everyones overpretentous willingness to simply not notice them. “Old folks homes..what old folks homes.. hey look! its a starbucks!” Basically. Fuck, I hope she does okay and makes it long enough for us to get her home. I was doing so good today too, feeling well rested and happy.. now I’m so angry and frustrated. My mind feels like industrial music.
