cant sleep.. too much on my mind. I feel like my mind is its own torture chamber of thoughts I dont want to think. I lay down and visualize myself inside my own head.. I am trapped in a steel box. I punch and kick and tear and claw to try to find a way out of the torture. I push my weight against one side.. then I stretch my legs out with all my might against the otherside. It wears me down and I never make any progress. Finally I am laying spent and defeated.. succumbing to the reality of the thoughts I cant excape. Like a horrifying movie you cant close your eyes for. Like someone holds my eyelids open and forces me to see the images I dread. I think about my mom too much. She takes years off my life I am without a doubt. I think about my babies and the way I hope I dont shortchange them because of my own weaknesses. I hope I give them the things they need even on the days I dont get what I need. I hope I am not so selfish that I cheat them the way I have been cheated. I need a hug. I get the best hugs in the world from my oldest boy. There are times when I honestly feel like the kids are the only ones that get it. Does that mean I'm functioning on their level emotionally? Ahh.. I just want to turn off the switch and get some rest. I want to wake up and everything be okay so I can just go back to the monotany of just simply having fun, the daily grind..existing.