Existence is a rough gig

Simply just existing has been so damn hard for me lately. I don’t know exactly why, but things have just been rough. It’s not like anything major has happened, its just all the drama and emotions wrapped up in the regular everyday stuff. The quote of the year for me: “there’s not enough tissues for my issues”!!!! Love it. LOL.

I really do have a lot of issues I guess. Am I the only one, really? Or is everyone else the exact same way and they either just don’t know it, or don’t admit it? Or am I really that ridiculously messed up in my own little head that I AM, in fact, the only one?

I have a lot of issues with self confidence. I have some, but its pretty much fake or at least falsely justified. I try to work on having genuine self confidence, but the more confidence I gain, the more selfish I seem. It’s hard, because as someone who can articulate my feelings pretty well, I apparently come across as somewhat self absorbed. Like its always all about me. But, since I only truly know how I feel, how can I make it be about anyone else when I’m telling you how it makes me feel?  I often wonder if where I actually go wrong, is in stating how I feel. I’ve just always done it, I don’t see any problem with telling someone that what they did made me feel a certain way, be it good, bad, sad, whatever. And I know that I’ve always taught my children, that if someone makes you upset, you need to express that with your words. You tell them, you hurt my feelings. So, my question is, when does that change? When do we cross the line from innocence into adulthood where honesty is no longer the best policy?

I’ve struggled with this for so many years. I have come to the conclusion that I am a person that just doesn’t have a sense of when its exactly appropriate to be myself, and when it’s not. I don’t have that switch the way other people do. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can be on my best behavior, I have friends I can say certain things around that I wouldn’t around others, etc. But I am not good at putting up a front that nothings bothering me , when something is. Nor do I see a need to, I find it a waste of time to be honest, but I’m starting to thing its part of how the game is played regardless. Ahh, who knows. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I really wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a damn about the way others feel, or the way their own existence intertwines with everyone around them. I wish I didn’t care, didn’t notice it, or give it a second thought. ignorance is bliss?