The one recipe that truly warms my soul

I'm a little busy being mid-move right now... so we're doing things to save time and effort at the end of a long day of home improvement projects and dragging boxes from one house to another. One of the biggest ways I save my sanity is to make easier meals that will last for a day or two. Which of course, is a one way path straight to my beloved crockpot. That being said, I thought I would share my favorite recipe in the whole wide world. Its a bit of an odd one, all the canned items considered, but once stewed together it creates the most warm, wonderful, happy belly producing concoction that I am capable of bestowing upon the hungry men in my home. Its my own interpretation of an old recipe for Chicken Tortilla Soup...aka Mamas Mexican Soup

2-3 frozen boneless skinless chicken breasts
2 150z. cans black beans (undrained)
2 15oz. cans stewed tomatoes
1 can chicken broth
1 can tomato sauce
1 4oz. can chopped green chiles
1 7oz. can salsa verde
1 cup salsa
1 15oz. can corn (or about 1 cup of frozen)
1-2tsp. cumin powder
Dash of garlic salt
Cook 4 hrs on high or 6-8 on low

Remove chicken breasts, shred and add them back in…
Garnish with shredded cheese, crushed tortilla chips, and a scoop of sourcream

enjoy! (I always do)

My nervous breakdown...

So I couldnt sleep last night regardless of the fact that I couldnt hold my eyes open and went to bed at 8pm. By 1:30, the nervous breakdown I knew was pending finally hit me. Probably the first of many to come throughout this process. See, its been an emotional rollercoaster of a week for me. Finally got the keys to the house, cried happy tears. Went back and looked at the size of the house, cried nervous tears. Husband neglected paying union dues till his primary source of income fired him, cried very very nervous tears. Heard my cousin is in a coma and possibly wont make it out, cried sad tears. SO yesterday to take my mind off everything Justin finally gave in and took me to the new house to start my ritual cleaning process. I had been so excited about this move for so long, I think I mentally rebuilt the house to be the way I wanted...because after not seeing the inside for weeks I forgot how small it was in there. That was the breaking point for my 1am breakdown. I cried like a baby grieving the loss of my nice, new big house. The house with more room and more huge cupboards than I could ever fill. I honest to God dont think my dinner table will fit in that dollhouse sized dining room. I laid awake and visualized my kids eating on a card table. I really dont think my dresser will fit, and the closet is about 1/5 of the size of the one I have now, so I cant just get rid of the dresser and live out of the closet. I think this whole time I fooled myself into being happy and excited because I knew we really had no other choice. Now I am sad for it. I visualized myself getting a job and working overnight and missing out on ym kids' lives the way my husband has for two years now..but no more. I cried thinking of how theres no place for their toybox..no place for our sofas. No place for my coffee pot on the no counter. No place for my tupperware in those microscopic 1970's cupboards. I really hate that kitchen by the way. No place for this, that, or our family. Its done now, nothing we can do but make it work for us. I just feel like I have taken this house and the things we have for granted. Sure there were times where we couldn't or shouldn't have afforded it.. but it worked for us and it was beautiful. I spent a lot of hours complaining about the way things were set up in this big house, now it seems like such a spoiled thing to complain about. I'm afraid as a family we have way more love than can fit within the walls of that house. I guess we'll see what happens anyways, but this will be a bittersweet move. Maybe after I finally get some sleep, someday..I will be okay again. But for now I must pack..and grieve...like a big emotional baby.

Dear Mom,

This is the letter I will never give you...because I dont have the balls to hurt someone I love so much. Here is the letter straight from my soul filled with everything I've ever wanted you to know, but I cant tell you because I am afraid of what it would do to you. Do you have any idea how bad you drug addiction has hurt me, and the woman I have become? Do you have any inkling if how many hours of my life I have wasted longing for a mother the way a thirsty man in the desert longs for water. Absolute desperation! Will you ever understand how many tears I have cried over the choices you've made? I love you far more than you will ever love yourself. I have finally understood that because of the lack of self love you live with, you will never truly be able to love me the way I've always needed you to. I have a scar of sorrow on my heart for my inner little girl that never wanted anything more than a Mother that could love me the way I deserved to be love. Even now Mom, even at the age of 26... I need you as much as I have ever needed you. I seek other mothers out as if someone could adopt me, a full grown adult, and fill that void that will never go away within me. It absolutely kills me to admit that I have a mother that has chosen horrible soul theiving drugs over the unconditional love that motherhood brings. The very second my sons were born I loved them more than I loved life itself. I will never in my life understand how that didnt happen for you. How could you not love me the way nature intended mothers to love their daughters? How? I just would like for you to know you have taken away a piece of me that never got to blossom. I would beg for you to be sober enough to just be my mother if it would do any good. You have made it hard for me to know how to love my children in a healthy way. In a way that shows them its okay to grow up to be loving adults. You have made me be hesitant to speak to anyone, the precisou words "I love you" out of fear of no reciprocation. I just want you to know I love you with all of my heart and I want nothing more to fill that same love back from you.. but I know you cant. I love you anyways Mom, you break my heart, but I will always love you!