midnight rambling…

I love coming home from work when its like this. Almost midnight, quiet town, quiet street, quiet house. I sit at the bar in my kitchen, drink the cold beer I stashed for myself before I left for work. I sit here and think ridiculously profound thoughts. Things concerning life, death, religion, healthcare, whatever has crossed my mind and gotten stuck there throughout my day. Deep, meaningless, useless thoughts. .. floating around heavy with purpose, but with nothing to apply them to. Then I ponder what to eat.. there's half a carton of strawberries, my old friend ramen, and the half-gallon of rocky road ice cream I fantasized about all night at work.. gah.. I should just go to bed. I wish someone would carry me like when I was little and fell asleep in front of the television set.

A little getaway..

 

These are some pictures from a little hike I took my little boys on the other day. It’s a beautiful little spot, just a few minutes from our house. Its amazing to me how beautiful it is, but everyone around here would rather drive an hr or two away to go hike somewhere else.. this is my like my own private 10- min away vacation spot! Love it here! (except in tarantula season.. I REFUSE to go in tarantula season!!)

 

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…I’m feeling fly..

I woke up this morning. Monday... monday’s are ugly. Fuck, I'll be honest mornings are ugly in my world. I thought being a grown up would make mornings bearable for me. Either I'm not a grown up yet or its just not in me ;)  Its all overcast today too, my beautiful spring sunshine has gone into hiding for the week. Nonetheless, the cards were stacked against me, but I woke up feeling bulletproof. I've got the fire in my belly today, I'm ready to go conquer the world. I love that feeling. I wish it could be bottled. I'd stock up. It's the "I'm infinitely happy for no particular reason" scent. And it smells wonderful. I wonder if other people are lucky enough to feel that feeling as often as I do. I think other people think it's strange too, because I come across so many people at work that look at me with a look of confusion, questioning why I'm so happy about working a barely above minimum wage-job in the music department at a bookstore. That in itself is why I'm happy. I love music so deep down in my core. Its probably in every little spec of my DNA. I love getting out of the house, I love meeting new people, I love talking about music, I love having a job in a sad ass economy. Ahh, why not be happy.. things could be worse in a million different ways, but they aren't. Why not enjoy it? Its my belief that people deprive themselves of true happiness these days, and I'm not sure why. To the people I see in the world, happiness is measured in things bought at the mall, cars that would have looked liked monster trucks to us 25 years ago, and a shiny, sparkly facade that is like a day to day theatrical reenactment of what a perfect life might look like. Its ridiculous. I want to yell at people to go outside. Go climb a mountain! Go get your feet muddy! Breathe the air, touch the water, soak it up. Laugh, laugh with other people, laugh at yourself, be still and notice the grace and awe inspiring things in everyday life, they are literally right in front of you.. and that, in my opinion, is where a more genuine kind of happiness lies. Its why I smile =)                      

Spring Fever

I get spring fever worse than anyone I think I know. I absolutely cannot wait for it to be nice and warm outside. I’m totally spoiled by living where I do, because in the general scope of things, its pretty mild here. The summers get ridiculously hot, but it doesn’t snow or anything, doesn’t rain too much. And yet, I despise the winter..the way it makes me feel both physically and mentally. And I LOVE the feeling of spring beginning to come to life.

So, its been nice the past few days (except today, my day off from work, of course) so me and the boys soaked up some sunshine the other day while they played in the backyard and I pulled weeds and mowed the lawn. Mowing, isn’t exactly the right word maybe… did battle with, seems more fitting. This was the first time the yard’s had any attention since last summer, the weeds were almost as tall as me, and the grass went up to my shins. Oh, did I mention my lawn mower is the old school push mower kind. No electricity needed, no gas needed, just a lot of elbow grease…ALOT!

Now that was the day before yesterday, and let me first say.. playing outside in the yard felt oh so good. Good to the core. Soul Cleansing. Renewing. Inspiring. Sweet. The downside, to all this wonderfulness I encountered, was my seasonal allergies :(  I’ve been dying ever since. I seriously feel like my throat is swelling shut. Even my coffee hurt. I’m nothing without my coffee! I’m practically inhuman. And to top it off, my back and shoulders, neck, and well.. body in general, hurt so flippin bad. I’m apparently too old for lawn mowings at the ripe age of 26. Wonderful.

Dear Blog,

I think I like you because I don’t feel so compelled to look back. Like in a journal, the old pages taunt me.. daring me to reread. I hate to reread anything I ever wrote. Lovely blog you don’t taunt me in that way. You propel me forward at a comfortable pace that whispers to me “you don’t have to go back, you can always go forward, pretend it never happened” LOL. It’s funny to think about it, really, but I’m quite sure I’ve changed a lot during the time I’ve had this blog. And not to credit the blog alone, because it certainly wasn’t just that… just a culmination.. a right place.. at the right time in my life.. at the exact right spot in existence that led to my progression.. my change. I think I’ve done a lot of inner growing in the past year. I am more okay with myself at this point. I hope to be even more at peace in the coming future. It’s a rough life when you’re at war internally… always beating yourself down when you could be your own biggest fan. People pay for shit like that.. lol. Yes men.. be your own. Like I’ve always said.. we’re all rock stars in our own world! We just have to acknowledge that. Stroke that ego every now and then. I wont lie… if I didn’t know me, I’d wish I did. I think I have a lot of insight that my world would be much emptier without. I surmise that its rather entertaining to be an audience member in my mind. I wonder if other minds are this entertaining?. How sad if not. How wonderful if so. The human spirit, the soul, that little ball of glowing, blinding, exuberating light that lives within all of us, is such an amazing blessing. I’m so humbled to get to play!

Things that please me.

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• the colors grey, brown, earthy greens, and any blue that reminds me of the ocean. gr
• plain cheesecake
• big trees
• long hot showers
• getting my hands dirty in the garden
• farmers markets
• pinot noir
• half popped popcorn kernels
• days off from work
• eating outside
• camping
• raspberries, blackberries are also acceptable
• Whidbey Island, WA <3
• Santa Cruz, CA <3
• soup
• Dr. pepper
• Black coffee
• Iced Tea
• Kabobs.. I really like kabobs
• extreme weather
• rain storms by the beach
• black and white photography
• bell peppers
• steel guitar

Twenty six point five

I think I’m supposed to hate this part of my life

I do not.

I refuse.

The closer I hurdle towards thirty,

The more I feel like I’m meeting me for the first time

Getting to know my own traits, tendencies… ideals.

I feel like I spent the past twenty something years

declaring apathy for what anybody thought of me

for no reason at all

Now it comes in such a more meaningful and kind manner.

Now my world revolves around people other than myself

Now I can be at peace with me, befriend this familiar stranger

Shaking hands with the face that’s reflected in the mirror for so long

I’m okay with this..

really, I am

Would it be so wrong if I loved it?!