Is still being cleared. I’m on an interesting journey lately of personal growth and discovery. I’ve been learning to feel true feelings deeply. I’ve been deciding to feel them to their full extent, painful or pleasurable as they might be. If you don’t feel the pain, you wont truly appreciate the pleasure. So don’t be surprised if you don’t even know me the next time you see me ;)
*My salvation lies in your love*
I want to do yoga.. I want to be one of those girls that does pilates, but I’m not structured enough for things like that.. I’m not quite that organized. So instead I just play. I go outside and soak life in through my pores. Breathe it in through my nose and deep into my lungs. I absorb the colors, as vivid as blood and mud and death and earth.. I absorb them into my eyes, and appreciate the beauty that I behold.
The beauty I am not a part of, but merely a witness to. Existing, twirling..journeying along.. some steps light and free, frolic like. Some heavy and mud caked.. ten lbs per step.. but nonetheless, standing next to it all. Delighting in it, rejoicing in it.. blessed to be here at this time in it. Amazed and humbled by it. I laugh too much. I love to deep. I’m too honest and too real. too this too that. what was I trying to be again? I smile so big it hurts sometimes. I wouldnt trade it for all the riches in the world <3 Come play?
Note to Self:
Find time someday soon to elaborate on the observation that I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about. How in an age of technological communication (facebook, twitter, texting, etc) the more we press to stay connected to one another, the more distant we are becoming. It’s so funny, so true.. we’re at a place in time where you can know exactly what your “friends” are doing, basically the instant they are doing it; yet we are trading the chance to forge lasting personal relationships, for moments of sitting miles, even inches apart..and text messaging each other. When you’re only a phone call away but type I love you instead. How the tone in someones voice is completely lost. Wit is muffled and assholes are crowned in undeserving right. It’s just very interesting to me.. but I dont have time to expand on that today.. so note to self.. do so later ;)
Me (in my own mind): “look at that woman over there, she is really unattractive. I wonder if she knows it. I bet she doesn’t. I bet ugly people never know they’re ugly. I wonder if someone would tell me if I was ugly. Someone should tell people. Maybe I should tell her.”
This is just a glimpse of one of the countless fucked up things that went through my mind today. LOL. I’m going to hell aren’t I?
Simply just existing has been so damn hard for me lately. I don’t know exactly why, but things have just been rough. It’s not like anything major has happened, its just all the drama and emotions wrapped up in the regular everyday stuff. The quote of the year for me: “there’s not enough tissues for my issues”!!!! Love it. LOL.
I really do have a lot of issues I guess. Am I the only one, really? Or is everyone else the exact same way and they either just don’t know it, or don’t admit it? Or am I really that ridiculously messed up in my own little head that I AM, in fact, the only one?
I have a lot of issues with self confidence. I have some, but its pretty much fake or at least falsely justified. I try to work on having genuine self confidence, but the more confidence I gain, the more selfish I seem. It’s hard, because as someone who can articulate my feelings pretty well, I apparently come across as somewhat self absorbed. Like its always all about me. But, since I only truly know how I feel, how can I make it be about anyone else when I’m telling you how it makes me feel? I often wonder if where I actually go wrong, is in stating how I feel. I’ve just always done it, I don’t see any problem with telling someone that what they did made me feel a certain way, be it good, bad, sad, whatever. And I know that I’ve always taught my children, that if someone makes you upset, you need to express that with your words. You tell them, you hurt my feelings. So, my question is, when does that change? When do we cross the line from innocence into adulthood where honesty is no longer the best policy?
I’ve struggled with this for so many years. I have come to the conclusion that I am a person that just doesn’t have a sense of when its exactly appropriate to be myself, and when it’s not. I don’t have that switch the way other people do. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can be on my best behavior, I have friends I can say certain things around that I wouldn’t around others, etc. But I am not good at putting up a front that nothings bothering me , when something is. Nor do I see a need to, I find it a waste of time to be honest, but I’m starting to thing its part of how the game is played regardless. Ahh, who knows. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I really wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a damn about the way others feel, or the way their own existence intertwines with everyone around them. I wish I didn’t care, didn’t notice it, or give it a second thought. ignorance is bliss?
My Grandma is the most awesome person. She’s not Grandma like at all. She swears like a sailor. She eats candy like a madwoman, she drives a minivan with grateful dead stickers on the window, and she was the person that made me have a life long appreciation for Pink Floyd. My Grandma kicks other grandma’s asses! haha. Well, she did.. until everything started.
She fell down a step on a deck at my wedding in 2004 and broke her knee. Healing took forever and it never actually healed right, she walked alright, but it was never the same. Then in 2008 she fell at her house and broke a different part of her knee. This time healing took longer, she ended up in a (physical) rehabilitation home, and she couldnt walk without a walker at all once that one healed. She was doing alright adjusting to life in a walker/ wheelchair/ electric scooter (awesome!) when she slipped and fell again and broke her hip last week. They did surgery as soon as they could get her blood count good enough.. and less than one week later (today) discharged her to a rehab home again. The thought of this has kept me up all night long. My grandma has good insurance, she has Kaiser through my grandpa’s retirement.. she’s got the best coverage they have… and yet she has fallen thru the cracks entirely, and its obscene. The place is disgusting, it wreaks of death and everywhere you look you want to turn away because the people are literally dying right there before your eyes with no one there to care about it. The workers walk around like they dont notice it at all, or are just totally used to it. She;s sharing a room with a very old woman with a terrible case of shingles. When my aunt called earlier, the nurse said they had been waiting all morning for auntorization to open my grandmothers pain medication, meaning my Grandma is post surgery with zero pain meds half the day. Her room has no television, no phone, no chairs for any one to sit in, were they to come visit a poor soul there. Its visibly dirty everywhere. She was in this same home before, and it was during the summer, but there was no air conditioning so the patients were required to provide their own fans. These people can’t leave and it’s heartbreaking to see how many of them don’t have any family that comes to visit them or make sure they are being properly cared for. Sirens are constant there are people soul’s painfully slip away out of this horrible cube or bricks and death. The last time she was there she also had major issues with no one coming to help her use the restroom (she cant get up by herself..and they dont give them their walkers) for hours after she requested help. They didn’t feed her on time, even though she’s diabetic, which makes it extremely important, and they didn’t bring her water until hours after she asked for a drink. Its the saddest place, and my poor Grandma is so sad and depressed there with nothing to do and no way to talk to anyone. I cant believe places like this are allowed to exist.
I’ve been doing some research and am encouraging my aunt, to inform my grandma that, as far as I can see, she has every right to discharge herself from this place and at least come home. That’s all she wants. My Aunt will be there full time to take care of her..and she’s not doing any better there or in the hospital where she laid in a bed unattended for over four hours. If she’s going to die, I dont want her to die because she’s so sad she’s stuck there… and if she IS going to die, she’s not going to do it there goddamn it. Thats the last place she or anyone would want to spend their final days.
I know this was a very long post/ rant… but I’m appalled by the way we throw our elders away in this society. I’m pissed about the way our already fucked healthcare system operates, and I’m sure it’s only going to get worse with the reform. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that someone pays big money for this insurance, that abandons her.. like she doesnt count. Like someone, somewhere decides, “well, shes someones loved one, but not mine.. so fuck it.. send her here”. I want to scream at people. I want to break her out of there. I just cant believe the injustice of there places and everyones overpretentous willingness to simply not notice them. “Old folks homes..what old folks homes.. hey look! its a starbucks!” Basically. Fuck, I hope she does okay and makes it long enough for us to get her home. I was doing so good today too, feeling well rested and happy.. now I’m so angry and frustrated. My mind feels like industrial music.
I love coming home from work when its like this. Almost midnight, quiet town, quiet street, quiet house. I sit at the bar in my kitchen, drink the cold beer I stashed for myself before I left for work. I sit here and think ridiculously profound thoughts. Things concerning life, death, religion, healthcare, whatever has crossed my mind and gotten stuck there throughout my day. Deep, meaningless, useless thoughts. .. floating around heavy with purpose, but with nothing to apply them to. Then I ponder what to eat.. there's half a carton of strawberries, my old friend ramen, and the half-gallon of rocky road ice cream I fantasized about all night at work.. gah.. I should just go to bed. I wish someone would carry me like when I was little and fell asleep in front of the television set.
These are some pictures from a little hike I took my little boys on the other day. It’s a beautiful little spot, just a few minutes from our house. Its amazing to me how beautiful it is, but everyone around here would rather drive an hr or two away to go hike somewhere else.. this is my like my own private 10- min away vacation spot! Love it here! (except in tarantula season.. I REFUSE to go in tarantula season!!)
I woke up this morning. Monday... monday’s are ugly. Fuck, I'll be honest mornings are ugly in my world. I thought being a grown up would make mornings bearable for me. Either I'm not a grown up yet or its just not in me ;) Its all overcast today too, my beautiful spring sunshine has gone into hiding for the week. Nonetheless, the cards were stacked against me, but I woke up feeling bulletproof. I've got the fire in my belly today, I'm ready to go conquer the world. I love that feeling. I wish it could be bottled. I'd stock up. It's the "I'm infinitely happy for no particular reason" scent. And it smells wonderful. I wonder if other people are lucky enough to feel that feeling as often as I do. I think other people think it's strange too, because I come across so many people at work that look at me with a look of confusion, questioning why I'm so happy about working a barely above minimum wage-job in the music department at a bookstore. That in itself is why I'm happy. I love music so deep down in my core. Its probably in every little spec of my DNA. I love getting out of the house, I love meeting new people, I love talking about music, I love having a job in a sad ass economy. Ahh, why not be happy.. things could be worse in a million different ways, but they aren't. Why not enjoy it? Its my belief that people deprive themselves of true happiness these days, and I'm not sure why. To the people I see in the world, happiness is measured in things bought at the mall, cars that would have looked liked monster trucks to us 25 years ago, and a shiny, sparkly facade that is like a day to day theatrical reenactment of what a perfect life might look like. Its ridiculous. I want to yell at people to go outside. Go climb a mountain! Go get your feet muddy! Breathe the air, touch the water, soak it up. Laugh, laugh with other people, laugh at yourself, be still and notice the grace and awe inspiring things in everyday life, they are literally right in front of you.. and that, in my opinion, is where a more genuine kind of happiness lies. Its why I smile =)
I get spring fever worse than anyone I think I know. I absolutely cannot wait for it to be nice and warm outside. I’m totally spoiled by living where I do, because in the general scope of things, its pretty mild here. The summers get ridiculously hot, but it doesn’t snow or anything, doesn’t rain too much. And yet, I despise the winter..the way it makes me feel both physically and mentally. And I LOVE the feeling of spring beginning to come to life.
So, its been nice the past few days (except today, my day off from work, of course) so me and the boys soaked up some sunshine the other day while they played in the backyard and I pulled weeds and mowed the lawn. Mowing, isn’t exactly the right word maybe… did battle with, seems more fitting. This was the first time the yard’s had any attention since last summer, the weeds were almost as tall as me, and the grass went up to my shins. Oh, did I mention my lawn mower is the old school push mower kind. No electricity needed, no gas needed, just a lot of elbow grease…ALOT!
Now that was the day before yesterday, and let me first say.. playing outside in the yard felt oh so good. Good to the core. Soul Cleansing. Renewing. Inspiring. Sweet. The downside, to all this wonderfulness I encountered, was my seasonal allergies :( I’ve been dying ever since. I seriously feel like my throat is swelling shut. Even my coffee hurt. I’m nothing without my coffee! I’m practically inhuman. And to top it off, my back and shoulders, neck, and well.. body in general, hurt so flippin bad. I’m apparently too old for lawn mowings at the ripe age of 26. Wonderful.
I think I’m supposed to hate this part of my life
I do not.
I refuse.
The closer I hurdle towards thirty,
The more I feel like I’m meeting me for the first time
Getting to know my own traits, tendencies… ideals.
I feel like I spent the past twenty something years
declaring apathy for what anybody thought of me
for no reason at all
Now it comes in such a more meaningful and kind manner.
Now my world revolves around people other than myself
Now I can be at peace with me, befriend this familiar stranger
Shaking hands with the face that’s reflected in the mirror for so long
I’m okay with this..
really, I am
Would it be so wrong if I loved it?!
