This is the letter I will never give you...because I dont have the balls to hurt someone I love so much. Here is the letter straight from my soul filled with everything I've ever wanted you to know, but I cant tell you because I am afraid of what it would do to you. Do you have any idea how bad you drug addiction has hurt me, and the woman I have become? Do you have any inkling if how many hours of my life I have wasted longing for a mother the way a thirsty man in the desert longs for water. Absolute desperation! Will you ever understand how many tears I have cried over the choices you've made? I love you far more than you will ever love yourself. I have finally understood that because of the lack of self love you live with, you will never truly be able to love me the way I've always needed you to. I have a scar of sorrow on my heart for my inner little girl that never wanted anything more than a Mother that could love me the way I deserved to be love. Even now Mom, even at the age of 26... I need you as much as I have ever needed you. I seek other mothers out as if someone could adopt me, a full grown adult, and fill that void that will never go away within me. It absolutely kills me to admit that I have a mother that has chosen horrible soul theiving drugs over the unconditional love that motherhood brings. The very second my sons were born I loved them more than I loved life itself. I will never in my life understand how that didnt happen for you. How could you not love me the way nature intended mothers to love their daughters? How? I just would like for you to know you have taken away a piece of me that never got to blossom. I would beg for you to be sober enough to just be my mother if it would do any good. You have made it hard for me to know how to love my children in a healthy way. In a way that shows them its okay to grow up to be loving adults. You have made me be hesitant to speak to anyone, the precisou words "I love you" out of fear of no reciprocation. I just want you to know I love you with all of my heart and I want nothing more to fill that same love back from you.. but I know you cant. I love you anyways Mom, you break my heart, but I will always love you!
WOW...that's seriously amazing and brave of you for posting this. This seems like a really therapeutic way to get out your thoughts and feelings. Keep your head up and for what it's worth you seem like an amazing mother despite your own childhood.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Lady Shameless, it was a truly liberating project for me. Like a million pounds were instantly lifted off my shoulders. I do battle with abandonment issues and self worth shortfalls, but I like to think I am improving in my existance as both a woman and a mother everyday. I appreciate your reading it. Thank you for your feedback!
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