Dear Blog,

I think I like you because I don’t feel so compelled to look back. Like in a journal, the old pages taunt me.. daring me to reread. I hate to reread anything I ever wrote. Lovely blog you don’t taunt me in that way. You propel me forward at a comfortable pace that whispers to me “you don’t have to go back, you can always go forward, pretend it never happened” LOL. It’s funny to think about it, really, but I’m quite sure I’ve changed a lot during the time I’ve had this blog. And not to credit the blog alone, because it certainly wasn’t just that… just a culmination.. a right place.. at the right time in my life.. at the exact right spot in existence that led to my progression.. my change. I think I’ve done a lot of inner growing in the past year. I am more okay with myself at this point. I hope to be even more at peace in the coming future. It’s a rough life when you’re at war internally… always beating yourself down when you could be your own biggest fan. People pay for shit like that.. lol. Yes men.. be your own. Like I’ve always said.. we’re all rock stars in our own world! We just have to acknowledge that. Stroke that ego every now and then. I wont lie… if I didn’t know me, I’d wish I did. I think I have a lot of insight that my world would be much emptier without. I surmise that its rather entertaining to be an audience member in my mind. I wonder if other minds are this entertaining?. How sad if not. How wonderful if so. The human spirit, the soul, that little ball of glowing, blinding, exuberating light that lives within all of us, is such an amazing blessing. I’m so humbled to get to play!

Things that please me.

View Full Album

• the colors grey, brown, earthy greens, and any blue that reminds me of the ocean. gr
• plain cheesecake
• big trees
• long hot showers
• getting my hands dirty in the garden
• farmers markets
• pinot noir
• half popped popcorn kernels
• days off from work
• eating outside
• camping
• raspberries, blackberries are also acceptable
• Whidbey Island, WA <3
• Santa Cruz, CA <3
• soup
• Dr. pepper
• Black coffee
• Iced Tea
• Kabobs.. I really like kabobs
• extreme weather
• rain storms by the beach
• black and white photography
• bell peppers
• steel guitar

Twenty six point five

I think I’m supposed to hate this part of my life

I do not.

I refuse.

The closer I hurdle towards thirty,

The more I feel like I’m meeting me for the first time

Getting to know my own traits, tendencies… ideals.

I feel like I spent the past twenty something years

declaring apathy for what anybody thought of me

for no reason at all

Now it comes in such a more meaningful and kind manner.

Now my world revolves around people other than myself

Now I can be at peace with me, befriend this familiar stranger

Shaking hands with the face that’s reflected in the mirror for so long

I’m okay with this..

really, I am

Would it be so wrong if I loved it?!

I just happen to really like this picture. So, my new thing is posting random things that make me happy, represent a little bit of me, or simply speak to my soul!

Its a fine line I walk, this existance

a tightrope stretched tauntly

between the safe ledge of sanity

and complete mind-imploding,

being-absorbing madness

I feel insignifigant at once

and then carrying the weight of the world...

like life would cease to exist were I not here to make oatmeal every morning

for a split second I question the human race

that inhabits my house

and their dependence on oatmeal

and then in a heartbeat the thought is gone

and the laundry's done.

As I fold, I dream of my hypothetical life

as an artist

a ballerina

an athlete

a philospopher

a poet

a composer
a professor of the ways And then he squeals "mama!"

as though I alone can bring comfortand justice in his world

Tiny me-

still pajama'd at noon and messy haired

the maker of dinner

the cleaner of floors

the queen of his world

I'm grounded

I'm humbled

I'm happy to be a tophat

in the monopoly of life.

A raindrop in the ocean of life...

What a week! If the world doesn't kill me.. my family's going to. My Grandma went into the hospital with congestive heart failure this week. It was totally unexpected, and happened to come one day before the five year anniversary of the the day my Grandpa unexpectedly went into the hospital and died that day. It was very scary for me. She's home now and doing much better, although she now has an oxygen tank to drag around with her. I also got a phone call from my mother. I was a little suprised she was calling me, I had just been thinking about her and debating about whether or not to call her. Calling my mother is the sober equivalent of a drunk- dial. I debate, I go back and forth.. I get all emotionally driven and call.. we talk for 30 seconds and she says something that either pisses me off, makes me cry, or leaves me in a blackhole of worry for the following two weeks.. and all of that is always followed by regret that I called! Anyways, it said it was her on the caller id but when I answered it was a man, he was yelling at me asking for someone else.. long story short my mom took the phone and apologized because her friend had called me on accident. I found out a few days later, from my Aunt, whom my mom always tells the real story to.. I only get the version she thinks I am old enough to hear apparently (she has yet to realize I am 26 and not as stupid as she is) Anyways, I found out that whoever her "friend" was had beat her up again and stolen her phone.. I can now reach my mother by calling an apartment a few floors up in her complex and theyll go get her...RIDICULOUS! So classy. Whats abnormal about a 45 year old woman who has to be tracked down like a highschool drop out drug dealer??? (totally sarcastic) I should have known better than to even answer that damn phone when she called. I am so gullible with her, she pisses me off. Thus, my list of motherly what not-to-do's is always growing based on my relationship with the one who birthed me. Anyways, I hope my blog doesnt make me have an air of negativity. I'm not unhappy, I' very happy. My therapist used to sit in awe and listen to me tell story after story and at the end she always would ask how I could say all that without crying.. but it never made me sad. I dont feel sorry for myself, no matter what I go through there are always people in the world experiencing far worse at any given moment. I am thankful for all the blessings that surround me everyday and I am grateful for all the experiences, both good and bad, in my life.. because without them, I wouldnt be me, right here, right now, existing in this very place in the world. No worries ;) Y

cant sleep.. too much on my mind. I feel like my mind is its own torture chamber of thoughts I dont want to think. I lay down and visualize myself inside my own head.. I am trapped in a steel box. I punch and kick and tear and claw to try to find a way out of the torture. I push my weight against one side.. then I stretch my legs out with all my might against the otherside. It wears me down and I never make any progress. Finally I am laying spent and defeated.. succumbing to the reality of the thoughts I cant excape. Like a horrifying movie you cant close your eyes for. Like someone holds my eyelids open and forces me to see the images I dread. I think about my mom too much. She takes years off my life I am without a doubt. I think about my babies and the way I hope I dont shortchange them because of my own weaknesses. I hope I give them the things they need even on the days I dont get what I need. I hope I am not so selfish that I cheat them the way I have been cheated. I need a hug. I get the best hugs in the world from my oldest boy. There are times when I honestly feel like the kids are the only ones that get it. Does that mean I'm functioning on their level emotionally? Ahh.. I just want to turn off the switch and get some rest. I want to wake up and everything be okay so I can just go back to the monotany of just simply having fun, the daily grind..existing.