Just had a few free moments, thought I'd post a pic or two from over the weekend. This was taken at Round Valley, Grandma Colleen & Papa Barr took the boys hiking...they had an awesome time, Trenton even found a snake!

these are the days of our lives....

So I havent posted in quite awhile. Just for the record, I am still alive...still breathing, still occupying space, just cant exactly bring myself around to write it all down and truly express the rollercoaster that my life has become lately. Stay tuned..dont forget that I am here occupying space... the saga continues, the author just hasnt found the appropriate words yet....?

The one recipe that truly warms my soul

I'm a little busy being mid-move right now... so we're doing things to save time and effort at the end of a long day of home improvement projects and dragging boxes from one house to another. One of the biggest ways I save my sanity is to make easier meals that will last for a day or two. Which of course, is a one way path straight to my beloved crockpot. That being said, I thought I would share my favorite recipe in the whole wide world. Its a bit of an odd one, all the canned items considered, but once stewed together it creates the most warm, wonderful, happy belly producing concoction that I am capable of bestowing upon the hungry men in my home. Its my own interpretation of an old recipe for Chicken Tortilla Soup...aka Mamas Mexican Soup

2-3 frozen boneless skinless chicken breasts
2 150z. cans black beans (undrained)
2 15oz. cans stewed tomatoes
1 can chicken broth
1 can tomato sauce
1 4oz. can chopped green chiles
1 7oz. can salsa verde
1 cup salsa
1 15oz. can corn (or about 1 cup of frozen)
1-2tsp. cumin powder
Dash of garlic salt
Cook 4 hrs on high or 6-8 on low

Remove chicken breasts, shred and add them back in…
Garnish with shredded cheese, crushed tortilla chips, and a scoop of sourcream

enjoy! (I always do)

My nervous breakdown...

So I couldnt sleep last night regardless of the fact that I couldnt hold my eyes open and went to bed at 8pm. By 1:30, the nervous breakdown I knew was pending finally hit me. Probably the first of many to come throughout this process. See, its been an emotional rollercoaster of a week for me. Finally got the keys to the house, cried happy tears. Went back and looked at the size of the house, cried nervous tears. Husband neglected paying union dues till his primary source of income fired him, cried very very nervous tears. Heard my cousin is in a coma and possibly wont make it out, cried sad tears. SO yesterday to take my mind off everything Justin finally gave in and took me to the new house to start my ritual cleaning process. I had been so excited about this move for so long, I think I mentally rebuilt the house to be the way I wanted...because after not seeing the inside for weeks I forgot how small it was in there. That was the breaking point for my 1am breakdown. I cried like a baby grieving the loss of my nice, new big house. The house with more room and more huge cupboards than I could ever fill. I honest to God dont think my dinner table will fit in that dollhouse sized dining room. I laid awake and visualized my kids eating on a card table. I really dont think my dresser will fit, and the closet is about 1/5 of the size of the one I have now, so I cant just get rid of the dresser and live out of the closet. I think this whole time I fooled myself into being happy and excited because I knew we really had no other choice. Now I am sad for it. I visualized myself getting a job and working overnight and missing out on ym kids' lives the way my husband has for two years now..but no more. I cried thinking of how theres no place for their toybox..no place for our sofas. No place for my coffee pot on the no counter. No place for my tupperware in those microscopic 1970's cupboards. I really hate that kitchen by the way. No place for this, that, or our family. Its done now, nothing we can do but make it work for us. I just feel like I have taken this house and the things we have for granted. Sure there were times where we couldn't or shouldn't have afforded it.. but it worked for us and it was beautiful. I spent a lot of hours complaining about the way things were set up in this big house, now it seems like such a spoiled thing to complain about. I'm afraid as a family we have way more love than can fit within the walls of that house. I guess we'll see what happens anyways, but this will be a bittersweet move. Maybe after I finally get some sleep, someday..I will be okay again. But for now I must pack..and grieve...like a big emotional baby.

Dear Mom,

This is the letter I will never give you...because I dont have the balls to hurt someone I love so much. Here is the letter straight from my soul filled with everything I've ever wanted you to know, but I cant tell you because I am afraid of what it would do to you. Do you have any idea how bad you drug addiction has hurt me, and the woman I have become? Do you have any inkling if how many hours of my life I have wasted longing for a mother the way a thirsty man in the desert longs for water. Absolute desperation! Will you ever understand how many tears I have cried over the choices you've made? I love you far more than you will ever love yourself. I have finally understood that because of the lack of self love you live with, you will never truly be able to love me the way I've always needed you to. I have a scar of sorrow on my heart for my inner little girl that never wanted anything more than a Mother that could love me the way I deserved to be love. Even now Mom, even at the age of 26... I need you as much as I have ever needed you. I seek other mothers out as if someone could adopt me, a full grown adult, and fill that void that will never go away within me. It absolutely kills me to admit that I have a mother that has chosen horrible soul theiving drugs over the unconditional love that motherhood brings. The very second my sons were born I loved them more than I loved life itself. I will never in my life understand how that didnt happen for you. How could you not love me the way nature intended mothers to love their daughters? How? I just would like for you to know you have taken away a piece of me that never got to blossom. I would beg for you to be sober enough to just be my mother if it would do any good. You have made it hard for me to know how to love my children in a healthy way. In a way that shows them its okay to grow up to be loving adults. You have made me be hesitant to speak to anyone, the precisou words "I love you" out of fear of no reciprocation. I just want you to know I love you with all of my heart and I want nothing more to fill that same love back from you.. but I know you cant. I love you anyways Mom, you break my heart, but I will always love you!

A new hat to wear?

So, not really sure how I feel about this... but someone very important to me has assigned me a new mission in life. She said she found my passion...and she knows how I should channel it. Apparently I was born to write a book. A book on motherhood and finding a path of goodness within it, having grown up in a world that was somewhat lacking of real mothers and real family situations. It is something I truly struggle with, maybe struggle isn't the appropriate word, but something I stress about. Its hard to know how to be the kind of mother I truly want to be, when I didn't grow up with a mother anything like that. Instead of a laundry list of things I should do and should be, it's the opposite. My life as a mother is based purely on what NOT to do to my kids. It's hard. I think my best motherly influences came from television and everyone knows how healthy that is for the psyche. I strive for June Cleaver-ism and thats very unachievable. I don't know how I feel about the entire book idea, but I shall bounce it around in my head from now either until forever, or until the day I decide she's right and actually do it. We'll see what happens. It is kind of a compliment to know someone thinks I'm successful enough at what I do to write an entire book on it though. Very flattering actually, considering I'm rather hard on myself and would usually consider myself far from having achieved what I set out to be. Thanks for the ego boost lady! lol

Moving makes me sleepy!

so we are in the middle of packing for our big move. Its only a big move in my mind actually, since we'll only be about 2 miles from where we live now. But nonetheless, it is exhausting to go through all the clutter, try to de-clutter, and put the survivors in a box securely wrapped and accurately labelled. All the while two little boys walking around my house think "ooh a new box, lets climb in it and explore whats inside, perhaps we can somehow use everything in it to build today's fort!". Exhaustign I tell you! I am too worn out to even estimate how many times I've repacked the same boxes after finding their reminants strewn about the house. It makes me think I'm losing it, I sit there confused for a minute scannning my mind for some memory of whether or not I thought this particular item was already taken care of. The decluttering is a whole 'nother nervous breakdown waiting to happen for me. I don't know where I got so much stuff, or why I can't seem to part with it. I'm not a hoarder or anything by any means. I don't keep trash, just things that mean something to me....but you'd be suprised by what I can seem to attach meaning to. I cant make myself get rid of anything that had belonged to my grandpa when he was alive. Now that he's gone there is such a limited amount of things that he actually touched, things that he had loved, things I can pass on to the boys some day. But to anyone else, they would look like completely useless objects. I also have a irrational inability to part with anything from when the boys were babies. Who knows if we'll ever have more, and the two we do have grow like weeds, so I think I kind of cling to these tiny little blankets and booties and what nots... they smell like sweet little babys. God, it just occured to me that if I ever get alzheimers or anything I'll drive myself even more crazy losing memories. I hold all this stuff, so that I don't forget the memory attached to it, if I couldnt remember the memory anymore.. what would I have? Interesting. Anyways, to make me even more crazy the exact day (or week) of the move isnt even known yet. I think we get keys today, but first we'll be bug bombing, then hiring a cleaning service to make sure any reminants from the bug bombs are gone and don't poison my little angels. Then finally the new carpet and wood floors will go in and a few repairs and touch up paint.. yay! I cant wait till we're all moved in and I can begin the dreaded task of unpacking all this stuff! If I have any energy left at all that is!